Assalamualaikum,

Innalillahiwainnahirojiun.
Just heard that a friend's child has been diagnosed with diabetes type 1. His child is about the same age as Lulu. It was just sudden. The news is heartbreaking.
But what is more heart breaking is the next story he told. They were in ICU and the next bed was a baby who had severe denggi. That baby died afterwards.
Truly heart breaking. The mother was inconsolable. Obviously.
I straightaway imagined if these things happen to my girls. But I had to force myself not to.
I had to fight myself from crying when I think about these things.

Just a week ago, Lulu recovered from denggi. We believe that it was contracted while we were in Kota Tinggi for a wedding, after considering the timeline. She first had the fever the day we landed in Perth. The day after we arrived home, I took her to the clinic and the doctor tested her for denggi. It was positive.

The doctor said that we were lucky nothing bad happened while we were in Perth.
Allah is great. At the last minute, we asked my mom to follow us to Perth so when Lulu was down with fever, we had extra hands to take care of her. She was okay in the morning but as afternoon comes, she will get so weak.

When I heard about the baby, I immediately thought about Lulu and felt so thankful and grateful to Allah for keeping her safe. I thought about myself not being a good enough mother. I thought about death and the kids, and I'm scared. I won't be able to face it. I thought about death and FF and me, and I'm scared too. I feel like I'm not fit to be in heaven and I'll surely go to hell. And then I thought about who will take care of the kids?

I try as much as I can to not be too worldly. Often, I feel like what matters is life. As much as we all want to be rich, the utmost important thing is our happiness in life. Having a lot of money will not bring you happiness if it cannot keep you happy and content. I ask Allah to give me & my family the best life for us..I just want to be content. I do ask for more rezeki from Him, but I also want Him to not give me too much if it means I will stray further away from Him.

Right now, the most precious rezeki Allah has given me is all of my family; parents, siblings, husband, kids, grandmother, etc. I can't imagine losing them, at all.

Okay, tears threatening to fall. Bye.

Salam.

Been a while eh?
Anyway, it's the 10th! Me & FF's anniversary!
For the moment, we're not in the mood of celebrating it yet...too much going on.
Had the 2nd baby in July, then me back to work (rezeki datang alhamdulillah), FF with his IPOs, team buildings, exam...etc etc.

Our 4 years of marriage, I wouldn't say it is all smooth sailing. We had our share of quarrels the past years...I think more so after we had Lulu. Then, when we started to get our groove back, I got pregnant again. And now, things are a lot different than last time. This time, FF works...like the average people. So, a lot of difference between first pregnancy & the 2nd. I also didn't have much help this time, in pantang, after pantang and even now. Because FF wants me to do confinement in our home, means I have to take care of baby & me, myself. Moreover, 2nd baby a bit more demanding...and challenging.

Nowadays, FF always merungut that I don't spend enough time caring for him...which also always annoys me everytime he utters this.
My time are spent. Each and every day for the babies, that I don't even have enough time for myself.
Even if I have time, I spend it on doing my work.
A lot of times I longed for some hours to myself. Just to relax and be with myself...
But I guess mothers never get to relax. Even when you are out alone, all you think of is your babies.

So, for our 4th anniversary, I don't want anything materialistic I guess. I just wish that FF would give me a break. For him to understand that staying home with the babies is hard work. That I have been attending them all day and would like him to take over at night. Bond with them while he's at it. I wish that he'd understand the sacrifices we have to make. And although there is "Penat" in the kamus, we just cannot succumb to it all the time.

I hope FF truly knows that I support him in his love for his career, and encourage him to expand his knowledges & skills. Yes, it has taken much of his time away from family, but I understand that he found his passion. And I believe as a grown man, he is able to plan his time & be responsible too.

I pray that the Almighty bless us family with lots of love for each other and for Him.
I pray that whatever comes, He will guide & help us go through it.
I pray that He'll keep my family save, especially my children.
I pray that me & FF's love will stay forever.

Assalamualaikum.

A LOT has been happening.
Lebih2 lagi sejak wedding ni...haih...macam2!
Dan aku berada dalam stress mode dah 2 minggu cmtu la.

Last weekend, aku & family gi Terengganu for the reception belah lelaki.
Dpt duduk dekat Ri-Yaz Heritage and it was kinda a short vacation that is most needed.
However, x cukup la...

And over the weekend, byk yg aku & FF borak.
Pasal our life, our dreams sejak kahwin, our visions....etc.
Aku masa tu still fragile lg, stress bagai...so, bile dh ade talk2 ni..
terus sebak, keluar gak la airmata walaupun sedaya upaya nak tahan.

Masa mula kahwin dulu, byk plan ktrg..plan for our future.
It was great at first...tapi, terlalu byk benda yg menyebabkan kami terutamanya FF, sacrifice.
Aku rasa sejak dari tu, our dreams were slowly shattered.
Tapi FF selalu nasihat aku utk bersabar.
Dan aku sabar.
Sampailah hari tu. Aku rasa mcm apa guna la sacrifice ktrg ni?
Our dreams dirobek depan2 mata...sakit gile ok!

So, masa our talk tu, FF kata dia pun rasa yg sama jugak.
Tapi apakan daya...kite boleh tengok je. Hati yg meronta siapa yang tau.
Waktu skrg yg kita susah ni, kene terlalu lalu byk bersabar.
Pada aku, waktu ni la dugaan kesabaran aku paling tinggi yg aku pernah rasa.
Sacrifice & sabar...dh 2 tahun aku buat bende ni.
Tapi waktu skrg la aku rasa paling puncak.

Hinggakan aku rasa mcm aku lost.
Macam aku dh bukan aku.

These days pun, I pray harder than usual.
Aku memohon penyucian rohani & bimbingan dr Allah swt.
Aku memohon supaya aku kuat menempuhi dugaan & sentiasa bersabar.
Aku memohon supaya I get to reap the rewards of my sacrifices.
Aku memohon agar aku tenang & gembira & mencapai kebahagiaan.

Aku cuba bila solat utk focus, khusyuk.
Cuba tak berfikir perkara lain melainkan menyembah Allah swt.
Aku cuba merendahkan diri aku & mohon dekat pada-Nya.
Jadi, pada Dia lah aku mengadu & meminta.

Just hoping that semua yg aku rasa skrg akan pulih.
Bahawa satu hari aku & FF dpt kebahagiaan yg we plan ms awal2 kahwin dulu
Serta sentiasa merendah diri & dengan Allah swt tetap di hati.

Assalamualaikum.

Dalam keadaan stress, bosan & agak moody.
Asyik terpaksa bersabar.
Ini kah dugaan Allah bagi aku?

Kadang2, aku berharap org boleh tau apa yg dalam fikiran aku, hati aku.
Senang, aku tak payah nak cerita, x payah nak cakap.

Pada siapa aku nak mengadu?
No one.
Sedihnye, aku tak bole mengadu pada sesiapa.

End.

Assalamualaikum.

First of all, aku nak ucapkan Selamat Hari Raya Aidiladha buat semua.
Tahun lepas, aku sempat puasa di hari Arafah.
Tapi malangnya, tahun ni aku x sempat. =(

Alhamdulillah, Lulu baru baik demam.
Pagi2 tadi pukul 3 lebih die merengek2 x bole tido...
Akhirnya aku & FF bangun, bagi die minum, makan sikit,
pstu aku main2 dgn die sikit,
dlm pukul 4, die tido balik smpi skrg.

It's a bittersweet raya for aku, husband & in-laws.
Baru seminggu pemergian arwah ayah FF.
Bermakna, lg 2 hari jugak aku ada masa untuk spend dgn FF.
Dia cuti satu minggu ni, jadi aku banyak masa dengan dia & juga banyak perkara yg kami settlekan untuk family.

Bila dapat experience situasi mcm ni, aku pun berfikir perkara yg sama jika aku takde nnt.
Aku tidak mahu ada hutang yg bole menyusahkan family aku untuk membayarnya.
Dan aku harap bila time aku pergi, aku mahu pergi dalam keadaan aku yg paling baik;
dari segi ilmu, amal, fizikal, minda, dll.

Sekarang ni, aku agak rasa terkilan sikit sebab x dapat nak ke masjid sembahyang raya & ke kubur.
Seorang kawan berkata, itu pengorbanan seorang ibu.
Aku teringin jugak ke masjid & menziarah kubur (aku ke kubur hanya masa kebumi hari itu),
tapi demi jaga Lulu di rumah, aku biasanya tak pergi.

Ok, aku terpaksa berhenti di sini.
Kami mahu ke Seremban kerana lembu korban arwah telah dibawa ke sana.
Salam.
=)

Assalamualaikum.

Assalamualaikum.

Ah, actually aku & FF baru saja menyambut ulangtahun perkahwinan kami yg ketiga Rabu lepas. Pejam celik kejap je dah 3 tahun..rsnye mcm baru 2 tahun huhu.

Alhamdulillah, aku rasa kami on the right track. Ada la jugak benda yg kami sacrifice, tapi I'm sure it will go the right way soon. Kene bersabar la.

Kami pun ada Lulu yg banyak menyerikan hidup kami. Tak sangka dah sampai di sini dah relationship ktrg. Daripada kenalan biasa, kepada kawan, kepada kekasih, kepada suami isteri and now dah jadi mommy & daddy. Aku berdoa hanya yang terbaik untuk kami & berharap Allah bukan saja memurahkan rezeki kami sekeluarga tapi menetapkan kebahagiaan dalam family kami juga. Selain tu, aku sentiasa meminta pada Allah utk mendekatkan kami pada-Nya.

Insya-Allah. =)

Happy 3rd Anniversary to us.
Love you my husband FF & love you my daughter Lulu. Muahhxx! =D

Assalamualaikum!

Alhamdulillah...kalau korg ingat post aku yg terdahulu, Amin + Sara = AA , kini lagi member ktrg dh selamat pulak.

Kitorang panggil dia Ikan je...xtau sbb ape, mungkin sebab mata&spek die yg besar kot. Dia dpt gelaran tu masa sekolah asrama dulu, mengikut FF la. Ikan ni antara yg rapat dgn kami sebab dia ni dulu satu sekolah asrama dgn FF & lepas tu, masuk UKM sama, pstu sama fakulti pulak tu.

So, anyway, dia telah berkahwin dalam 2 tahun lepas dgn gadis yg memikat hati dia masa matrik, Yah. Mmg diorg berdua ni suwiiitt sgt hehe. So, pada Sabtu lepas, Yah dah selamat melahirkan seorang baby girl yg teramat lah tembam di bahagian pipinye, secomel bapak & maknya. Nama? Ehem, Kaseh Kamelia. Fuh, terpegun aku mendengarnya heheheheh.

Jadi post ni sempena kelahiran baby mereka yg comel tu. Aku belum sempat visit lg sebab diorg kat Melaka & FF pun busy keje. Tapi gmbr mestilah dh tgk kan. Masing2 dh ade instagram woo.

Untuk Ikan & Yah, tahnniah sebesar2nya dari kami. Kami tumpang gembira sgt2.
Kesabaran yg agak besar diperlukan terutamanya bile kite raise anak sendiri...moga love between you both diperkuatkan dgn adenya Kaseh. It's a challenge but it's a good kind of challenge. =)


Til next entry.
Salam & good night.

"Each day has to be better than the last."
Easier said than done.

Nonetheless, I am in a transition phase.
Please pray for me.

I am Lost.
I truly feel lost.
Like I'm out of touch with the world, with everything.

I seemed to be losing what I used to love to do.
I lost my passion for everything.
I read the Quran, and I feel that I am merely reading.
I can't understand it, and I can't find peace.

I feel numb.
I am numbed all over.

So...dalam masa sebulan lebih ni aku bermastautin dekat umah Mama Abah aku.
Sampai bulan May.
Sebabnya? FF sedang dalam mode kursus.

Kebelakangan ni pun aku kurang nak sibuk berangkaian sosial ni.
Terlalu banyak benda yang menambahkan dosa aku. Huhu.
Bila sampai satu tahap yg you are getting too much dose of digital network, perlu ade detoxing of it now and then.
Social networking skrg dh menjadi satu platform utk org:
1. Menunjuk2 & bermegah2
2. Memaki tanpa hala tuju
3. Bercakap tentang perkara2 yang membuang masa.

Kalau dalam kadar yang berpatutan, ok la kot.
Tapi bila dah terlalu flood, org lain rasa muak.
Kdg2 aku pun muak dengan apa yg aku tulis...jadi bila dah mcm tu, detox!
Nasib baik aku ada kerja yg memerlukan konsentrasi.

Haih...melihat sekeliling, dunia ni dah menjadi terlalu kapitalis.
Mengambil kata FF, "Even Islam sells."
It's a sad sad world.

Assalamualaikum.
May Peace be upon you.

I have been busy!
Firstly, since my last post, I have been busy with work, attending weddings + taking care of my Dahlia & si Capang.
Quite few things happening in my life...but today I'm going to cerita about Faith.

About a month ago, I dreamt about enrolling for agama class at this famous place that my mom goes to for her classes & talks.
Told FF about my dream and he immediately reacted, "Alhamdulillah!"
Then, few days later, I received an sms from that place about a talk going on there.
I was shocked because I didn't give my number to them & I certainly don't think my mom did.
It was like a sign...

And starting from that point on, I started to dream many agama related stuff & was also interested in many agama topics.
In Malaysia, the Islam teachings that we always see on tv are always being manipulated by politicians.
Every single thing seems to be haram, bidaah, syirik etc etc.
Even I got confused whether or not we can do certain stuff or not.
Alhamdulillah, I got FF who is vastly knowledgeable in Islamic teachings.

Last week, Mufti Ismail Menk came to KL.
Somehow, when my mom told me that she will be going to his talks, I became interested.
Something in me told me to go...I did.
And it was amazing. An eye-opener. A spiritual motivation.
It is very hard to find someone who guides us to greatness with sincerity & passion for Allah.
And also someone who carries an authentic teachings in Islam.
I feel blessed & motivated after hearing his lecture.

He said that a lot of people work so hard night and day to be rich, in order to buy this and that.
But, they forget to work hard to prepare for the day where we meet our Maker, Allah swt.
It is not wrong to work hard to survive in this world, but you must work equally hard to survive Qiyamah (the Hereafter).
He also pointed out that, if we can read many many books throughout our lifetime, why can't we spend some of that time reading AND understanding the Quran?

There are lots of points that he gave, including worshiping only Allah and do not associate any partnership with none other than Him.
This is because, a lot of Muslims nowadays are leaning to worshiping pious people.
This is a sin. Pious people are to guide us, so we Follow them, not worship them.
The same as to Muhammad SAW. He is the messenger of Allah swt, so we Follow him. And Worship only Allah.

Okay, I don't want to make this entry too 'lecturing'.
I myself is not that perfect. I am just a slave in this materialistic world.
It is just, I feel that I am just stepping into this world.
And it is not a good sight. For the eyes, the mind or the heart.
I realized that all this time I am searching for my place...searching my purpose.
I may not have found it yet but I found several things that I want to do and pursue.
Firstly, I want to start seriously on my own spiritual journey.

My journey may be slow. But it's a start.
At least I am taking a step.
In front of me, is not an easy road.
I will step forward anyway. As long as I'm sincere, He will be there for me.

Amin.

6 April 2010.
Aku sedih. Dan masih akan sedih bila mengingatkan.
Perginya seorang yang rapat dengan FF dan aku.
Dengan sekelip mata, tanpa diduga.

Allah Maha Besar.
Sekejap kita bergembira, kemudian kita bersedih.
Dia berkuasa untuk menarik nikmat yang dia berikan.
Setiap nyawa di dunia adalah kepunyaan-Nya.

Aku ingat lagi kali pertama berjumpa Mai.
Waktu hari pertunangan aku.
2 tahun lepas.
Mai datang pada aku, dan bertanya, "Akak, nak ambil gambar dengan akak boleh?"
Aku tersenyum. Dan aku ambil gambar dengannya.

Dari saat itu, perkenalan antara aku dan dia bermula.
Bila aku berkumpul dengan keluarga FF, dia akan sentiasa menjadi peneman aku.
Sentiasa suka berada dengan aku dan FF.
Aku rindukan dia...

Mai,
Kehilangan Mai sangat terasa.
2 tahun nampak sangat singkat.
Tapi Kak Ily sangat happy kenal Mai.
Dengan Mai jela Kak Ily dapat tgk Abg Fali main dengan budak2.

Baru hari tu kita main sama2.
Kak Ily & Abg Fali ajar Mai & Anis main Bom Bom Ca.., main game Peace.
Baru hari tu kita sama2 makan dengan Danish waktu kenduri Along Ijam.

Tiba-tiba...

Sekarang kalau main game Peace, Kak Ily mesti teringat Mai...
Malam hari Mai meninggalkan kami, Kak Ily menangis lagi bila nampak Anis.

Lepas ni dengan siapa lagi Anis nak bermain-main?
Lepas ni siapa lagi yang nak menyakat Abg Fali?
Lepas ni siapa lagi yang nak bermanja dengan Kak Ily?

Kak Ily & Abg Fali sama2 mendoakan Mai.
Mai tentunya akan ditempatkan di syurga.
Satu hari nanti yang pastinya, kita semua akan bertemu.
Terima kasih sebab menjadi kawan Kak Ily.
Terima kasih kerana sentiasa menggembirakan kami.

Kami semua merindui Mai...

Lately, aku rasa mcm nak duduk rumah je.
Layan FF, jaga makan dia semua...

Aku & FF dalam 5 hari weekdays, boleh kira la brp jam ktrg jmpe, borak2.
Satu, both of us keje.
Dua, sorang keje siang, sorg keje malam.
Tiga, FF tido je..aku balik. Aku tido...FF gi keje.

The only time we really have is on weekend.
Itu pun kalau xde aktiviti lain.

So, due to this factors, banyak bende aku tak dapat buat with him.

1. Masak:
Aku selalu sangat nak masak for FF.
Breakfast, lunch, dinner...
Tapi sejak kahwin ni, aku boleh kira brp kali je aku masak.

Awal2 kawin ade jugak masak, tapi malam hari FF lepak dgn member die...
tak luak pun nasik yg ade.

Kadang2, bile aku keje lambat mcm kol 4 ke, FF akan gigih balik.
Sebab nak makan dgn aku.
Aku pulak makan tak jaga...
Sampai dia ckp, "Kalau org takde, awak takkan makan."
Yela, aku breakfast pun tak.

Which leads to,
2. Makan together:
Time breakfast, FF akan breakfast sorg2 kat office.
Sebab aku biasenye akan tido.
Keje malam penat dowh...lagi2 kalo kene balik kol 1.

Time lunch, ikut my work schedule.
Kalau keje lambat, boleh la lunch same2.
Kalau keje awal, tak dapat la.

Time dinner pulak, confirm2 FF dinner sorg2.
At times, member2 die ajak dinner same2.
Kire ok la kalu ade org teman die.

But still aku rasa bersalah coz kesian die.
Dah kawin but xde org jaga makan die.
Makan luar jugak tiap2 hari.

3. Family event:
Biasenye, aku akan MIA.
FF je yg attend family events, aku pulak kene keje.
Kalau sound awal2, ok la kot dpt pegi.
So, most of the times, tak dpt la aku pegi sbb diorg sound pun last minute.
Kalo sound awl sket, biasenye kene amik cuti la ape lagi.
And cuti pun susah nak dpt sbb usually dh ade org lain book.
Hmm...

Then,
4. nak ada Baby:
Aku keje malam...rasa cm bersalah lak nak ada baby.
FF pun tak setuju if we have a baby while I'm working late at night.
Nanti sape nak jaga?
Aku kalau bole, anak2 tu nak la aku jaga sndiri...
Bile dah besar sikit, baru la amik pengasuh ke ape.

So, at this moment of time, belum lagi kot.
But still, kalau Allah bagi rezeki, then we have to come up with a solution.

So, I guess that's soem of the downsides yg we have la skrg.
But I am blessed to have someone yg understanding as FF.
Dia tak kesah sgt and die slalu ckp, "Takpela..skrg ni kite susah2 dulu.."
Alhamdulillah, we're blessed with many things.
Rumah ade, kereta ade, keje ade, mmg cukup.

They are of course upsides to our situation, tp maybe lain kali aku cite.
Skrg ni bersyukur la dgn ape yg ade...just look at the upsides je.
Insya-Allah one day, maybe aku boleh conquer the downsides tu.

To FF: Thanks syg for having me as I am and let me work my way =) Love you lots and lots!

The ONLY thing that mattered in 2009:


I don't want to care about all the sadness, the struggles, the sakit hati etc.
I am just grateful to Allah for my destiny, for giving me a life full of happiness and gratefulness. Alhamdulillah.

I am ready for 2010.
I know my life is the result of my choices.
I know that He will not burden me with what I am not able to handle.
So here I am.
Ready for another year of much rocking excitement~
Insyallah. =)

Aku asalnya seorang yang suka menyendiri.
Aku lebih suka menghabiskan hari-hari aku di rumah.
Dulu aku habiskan masa aku dengan menulis puisi, cerpen, novel
Paling tidak, aku bermain gitar sambil mencipta laguku sendiri...

Itu cara aku meluahkan perasaan, mengekspresikan diri aku

Kemudian, aku keluar ke alam nyata.
Aku senang bila orang lain menegurku.
Tapi aku janggal bila aku terpaksa mula dahulu.
Tiap kali aku berkata pada diri aku...
Aku perlu berubah, menjadi ramah, berani memulakan perbualan.
Tapi seringkali tak terjadi...kerana aku tak tahu bagaimana.
Aku sering hilang ide untuk retain sesuatu perbualan itu.
Akhirnya aku diam. Dan beredar.

Aku bertemu FF.
Dan FF menjadi tempat aku meluahkan semua di dalam kepala aku.
Aku senang dengannya.
Kerana dia menerima sebaik-baik aku dan seburuk-buruknya aku.
Tapi aku masih yang sama dengan orang lain.
Masih tidak berani untuk berbual mesra.
Terutama sekali dengan orang yang baru aku kenal.

Semalam, aku disapa oleh seorang makcik di masjid.
Aku menjawab sepatah dua. Tapi masih hilang ide untuk meneruskan perbualan.
Kembali diam dan beredar.

Hari ini, aku teringin untuk memeluk dan memberi kekuatan kepada seorang yang baru aku kenal.
Walaupun cuma sehari berkenalan.
Mungkin aku tak semesra orang lain, tapi aku harap ia dapat dirasai.
Insyallah dapat membina silaturrahim antara aku dan dia.
Insyallah dapat memberi semangat kepadanya.
Aku tak mengenalinya dengan dekat.
Tapi aku teringin memberi kekuatan padanya.
Aku berdoa memohon pada Allah dapat memberinya kekuatan & ketabahan.
Moga dia tahu aku di sini mendoakan kebaikan untuknya.

"Janganlah kamu bersikap lemah, dan janganlah (pula) kamu bersedih hati, padahal kamulah orang-orang yang paling tinggi derajatnya, jika kamu orang-orang yang beriman. "

-Surah Al-Imran ayat 139

Kembali aku lagi.

Kali ini aku bukan Cik.
Kali ini aku bukan si Dara.
Kali ini aku bukan Single.
Kali ini aku sebagai "orang rumah"

Perkahwinan tu sangat membahagiakan.
Muncul perasaan baru yang aku tak dapat sewaktu sebelum akad.

Aku akan tidur di bawah kalau suami belum balik lewat malam.
Aku gigih bangun di awal pagi untuk siapkan sarapan.
Aku akan sentiasa rasa bersalah bila pergi kerja sebab tau suami akan keseorangan pada waktu makan malam.
Aku akan make sure suami makan malam walaupun aku tiada di sisinya.
Dan sebagainya lah...

Sudah 18 hari, badan aku masih tak biasa dengan adanya orang lelaki di sisi.
Sering bangun di tengah2 malam tanpa ada sebab.
Tapi ternyata bila aku dalam pelukan suami, aku rasa everything is just fine...

Alhamdulillah, semua berjalan lancar.
Mungkin ada hiccups sana sini, but yang penting semua selesai.
Kami perlu menginjak ke alam nyata balik.
Back to daily task.

Thank you for those who came.
I truly truly appreciate it.
Thank you juga bagi hadiah2 yang diberi.
Insyallah akan dimanfaatkan.
Thank you untuk Sue, Jabbar, Acong, Azira & my sister, Dini sebab jadi pengapit kitorang.
Thank you to Amar aka Sanitoria yang jadi MC untuk majlis aku plus backup photog =)
Thank you to backup photog lain, Pokpih, Syafiq Azim, Jabbar...ada lagi ke aku tak sebut?
Thank you to ALL yang participate on my wedding.

Aku selalu TRY to tanamkan sifat positif.
Cuba selalu senyum, happy.
Selalu cuba berfikir positif dan cuba tak ambil peduli orang lain kata.

Tapi hari ni, kepala aku berat.
Sarat.
Dengan perkara2 yang aku tak ambil peduli sebelum ni.
Dengan perkara2 yang berlaku kebelakangan ni.
Dengan perkara2 yang berpunca dari aku.
Dengan perkara2 yang menyakitkan hati.
Dengan perkara2 yang membabitkan perasaan aku.
Dengan perkara2 yang mendatangkan negativiti.

Aku marah.
Benci.
Rasa mau menjerit sekuat hati.
Rasa mau menampar-nampar diri sendiri.
Aku tak tahan.
Tak tahan dengan diri aku sendiri.

Apa yang aku nak buat dalam hidup aku sebenarnya?
Aku tercari-cari.
Aku mencari.
Tapi aku masih tak jumpa.

Aku geram.
Sungguh lama aku mencari.
Tak jumpa-jumpa.
Aku in the verge of breaking down.
Mahu saja aku gerudi kepala aku ni.
Nak tengok apa di dalam.
Nak mengeluarkan apa yang tersembunyi dalam kepala otak aku ni.

Aku sedih.
Hampa dengan diri aku.
Aku sering bandingkan diri aku dengan kebanyakan orang yang aku jumpe/kenal.
Dengan FF, jauh beza.
Bila aku lihat dia, aku tanya diri aku sendiri.
Boleh ke aku capai tahap yang dia dah capai?
Boleh ke aku jadi macam dia?

Ah, aku geram sangat terhadap diri aku.
Wake up!

Mana arah tujuan aku sekarang ni?

"dan...Farid Fadhly Haron!"

Sorakan dari rakan-rakan sefakultinya bergema.
Kemudian, diikuti dengan hilai tawa apabila dia melakukan aksi gempar, menunjukkan kepuasannya selepas menerima skrol keramat hasil titik peluh selama setahun setengah menempuh arus.

Aku tersenyum gembira.
Turut ketawa apabila melihat aksinya itu.

Dan tiba-tiba, aku merasa sebak.
Kerana terlalu bangga dengan pencapaiannya.
Aku bangga dan aku sangat gembira.
This will be one of our most memorable moments in life.

Aku tau dari dulu lagi yg hari ini akan datang.
You did it and I am very proud of you.

Tahniah syg!
Kini, MBA dalam genggaman.

bila kau rasa yang kau adalah sangat sangat sangat useless.

Kau taktau apa kau nak buat...
Kau taktau mana nak tuju...
Kau taktau potensi apa yang kau ada...

Kau tak boleh nak bergerak mana-mana.

Banyak tanda soal dalam kepala,
Tapi kau tak boleh nak beri jawapan.

Kau buntu.
Kau tepu.

Rasa nak menjerit.
Rasa nak menangis.
Rasa nak lari dari waktu sekarang.

Kau tanya, apa yang kau perlu buat untuk survive dalam dunia?
Mana pergi mimpi dan impian?
Mana langkah yang dulu kau atur elok-elok?

Sudah.
Kau dah bosan sudah.
Terlalu banyak soalan.
Jawapan?
Tak satu pun yang pasti.