God, please let me go to Hajj now...
I want to be closer to You...
I want You to guide me...
I want You to guide my husband...
I want You to show us the true meaning of our lives in this world
And to guide us to succeed in the Akhirah...
It's mid August. We are waiting for our Hajj call..not quite sure whether we are able to join the Hajj this year..but somehow I have a feeling we might. Insyallah. If God wills it.
Thing is, I've been doing readings on Hajj etc..and I still think that my knowledge of Islam is so below par compared to say, FF.
He seems to be relaxed...not that much preparation..I guess due to the fact that one of his friends have gone for Hajj and he himself have gone for Umrah like..8 times?
Meanwhile..I have only gone for Umrah once. And I feel that I'm lacking A LOT in myself, in my knowledge.
I now might be a little depressed. My morale is down. I think so little of myself. I have been feeling that I am not a good mother..I can't teach them properly..I see the kids playing but when it comes to studying, when I try to teach them..I know nothing.
Thank God that I've not felt like wanting to hurt myself like I used to...
I'm tensed up. Right now I feel like going somewhere and just be by myself alone. I used to do this..go to the park behind my house and just sit on the grass alone. Calm my thoughts...just be with the nature. I remember it soothes me.
Lately, so many things on my mind. Clouding. FF doesn't understand..he's too busy. Besides, he thinks I'm just lazying around all day.
I don't know. Things like this makes me feel like I'm stupid.
I'm writing nonsense.
Have you ever feel so down that all you think about is wanting to die?
Truth is, I have an unsettling feeling inside my heart since a long long time now and it does not ever want to go away.
I'm looking at everybody negatively and I feel the negativity tugging inside my heart most of the time.
I hate it. I hate this feeling.
For the longest time, I have asked Allah to help me & guide me. To get rid of this feeling. This negativeness. Sometimes, it subsides. But it never goes away. I want to tell FF everything, but I know that I won't stop crying if I start. And it is hard to put how I feel into words.
Today, I feel like I don't deserve to be here, I don't deserve to live. I masked my filthy self with smiles, with things that fool people into thinking that I'm happy. I mean, I am happy with my life mostly, but it's myself that I'm not happy with. I don't understand why I am here, with this 'thing' inside me. Is it eating my soul? I don't know...maybe. I do know that I despise it so much but I just can't get away. I hate & am ashamed with the sifat2 mazmumah in myself. I ask Allah to help me get rid of them, yet to no avail. Why Allah has not given me the answers, guiding me to be good? Maybe I don't deserve to be good?
Yes, today I feel like wanting to die. Because I feel I have nothing to offer Allah.
It's like every thing I do, is never enough to grant me Paradise or even a piece of His blessings.
Ramadhan is here again! Yay!
At the moment, I'm super busy with lots of stuff. Market is not so great so far but there is a glimmer of hope recently. Hoping for the 2nd half to bulk up. I'm being a PA to FF now so I do a lot of his work stuff, mostly related to papers. Yesterday whilst reading the Quran, I was overcomed by how much Allah has given us. I thanked Him and I also thought about how we are often less grateful of what we have.
Anyway, FF now is outstation, in a land away from Peninsular. He just WA-ed me asking if I want lobster. I'm thinking how should I cook it?
Today is only the 2nd day of Ramadhan. Yesterday was the first and for me, I started it with being so unproductive. The night before I slept late about 1++ AM and woke up at 4am to send FF to the airport. We had our Sahur/Suhoor in the car. I reached home, did my Subuh prayer, and then slept. Oh, before that during Sahur I had to take a cough+flu medicine. I seemed to have contracted the virus from FF. And it made me drowsy the whole day! My body felt tired even though I tried to fight it. I slept quite some hours in the day too. Good thing my body "woke up" after Asar.
So yesterday night I slept earlier and woke up at 5AM. I feel quite energized right now even though I just did an exercise routine that was quite hard. Oh, an update, I'm now joining Yoga. Hehe. I have always wanted to Yoga but always malas to do it. Then, I started joining a friend's class and it was so liberating. It was peaceful and calm and motivating too.
It's 740AM. I think I better start doing some real work.
Til next post.
Ramadhan Kareem people!
Found this on FB and thought that this is worth for my reference. I'm posting it here.
2. Memakai pakaian yang bersih, kemas dan menutup aurat.
3. Menjaga pergaulan dengan berlawanan jenis.
4. Membaca Al-Quran.
5. Membantu kerja-kerja rumah yang mudah dilakukan praktikal dengan usia anak.
6. Menerapkan disiplin dalam aktiviti harian. Penghargaan dan Hukuman (hadiah/ganjaran/pujian dan hukuman/teguran) yang sesuai diberikan pada usia 7 tahun kedua ini kerana anak-anak sudah dapat dapat memahami erti tanggungjawab dan sesuatu perbuatan.
I found that the topic in FB today centered around Malay people getting help & food from churches. Many Malay claimed that churches have been extra helpful to them in terms of charity.
One post mentioning that they are getting food from churches whereas there are none like this from mosques. I feel really sad hearing this. Because as far as I know, there are a LOT of masjid who giveaway food to people. Especially around maghrib prayers. After maghrib, tons of mosques give free food to people, so I'm not quite sure if the people who make these claims go to enough masjid or not.
The people who make these claims are Malays, complaining about other Malays. I think it's fair to say that they are targeting Malays as a race, not Islam, the religion. It is unfair though to say that there are no charity given to others by the mosques. Maybe, some mosques have rules in terms of no sleeping, no loitering, etc. But in general, I find mosques to be awesome, calm place to be in.
I suggest these people who complains a lot to try and go to a lot of mosques. Small and big ones.
I believe you will see that there are a lot of other mosques that gives free food too. You want free food right?
How about other charity, you may ask. Try and go on weekends, if you're lucky, they may have some kind of free market over at the mosques.
Do not blame the religion, but blame the race. Or rather the individual that hurt you.
That individual (Malay, I assume) has been tempted by satan to hurt your feelings and You, too, have fallen to satan's trap in feeling hurt and sharing this hurt with other people out there.
It's okay, we are human. We constantly make mistakes, every second of every day.
Allah, have mercy on all of us.
Just heard that a friend's child has been diagnosed with diabetes type 1. His child is about the same age as Lulu. It was just sudden. The news is heartbreaking.
But what is more heart breaking is the next story he told. They were in ICU and the next bed was a baby who had severe denggi. That baby died afterwards.
Truly heart breaking. The mother was inconsolable. Obviously.
I straightaway imagined if these things happen to my girls. But I had to force myself not to.
I had to fight myself from crying when I think about these things.
Just a week ago, Lulu recovered from denggi. We believe that it was contracted while we were in Kota Tinggi for a wedding, after considering the timeline. She first had the fever the day we landed in Perth. The day after we arrived home, I took her to the clinic and the doctor tested her for denggi. It was positive.
The doctor said that we were lucky nothing bad happened while we were in Perth.
Allah is great. At the last minute, we asked my mom to follow us to Perth so when Lulu was down with fever, we had extra hands to take care of her. She was okay in the morning but as afternoon comes, she will get so weak.
When I heard about the baby, I immediately thought about Lulu and felt so thankful and grateful to Allah for keeping her safe. I thought about myself not being a good enough mother. I thought about death and the kids, and I'm scared. I won't be able to face it. I thought about death and FF and me, and I'm scared too. I feel like I'm not fit to be in heaven and I'll surely go to hell. And then I thought about who will take care of the kids?
I try as much as I can to not be too worldly. Often, I feel like what matters is life. As much as we all want to be rich, the utmost important thing is our happiness in life. Having a lot of money will not bring you happiness if it cannot keep you happy and content. I ask Allah to give me & my family the best life for us..I just want to be content. I do ask for more rezeki from Him, but I also want Him to not give me too much if it means I will stray further away from Him.
Right now, the most precious rezeki Allah has given me is all of my family; parents, siblings, husband, kids, grandmother, etc. I can't imagine losing them, at all.
Okay, tears threatening to fall. Bye.
It's hard for me to blog about my travels in here. I mostly do it on my instagram. Do checkout @ilynnvirgobiru .
Anyway, today I was reminded during a time that a friend dislike me for no good reason. It didn't occur to me about it until I wished her Happy Birthday and she replied about being sorry for her actions towards me and so forth. In truth, although I suspected that she somehow was against me but I never did thought much about it. I ignore the things happening around me.
And recently, I think a similar thing happened. But I choose to ignore.
I want to live my life the way I want to and not be bothered about others being mean to me or my family.
I'll admit it does tugs at your heart when things go bad, but it's not my fault anyway.
If other people cannot change, then just be patient and ignore whatever that does not suit you.
I'd like to think that I myself is changing. Hopefully improving.
I ask Allah to help me through my journey and keep my heart mind positive.