Surrounded with positivity


I am blessed to be surrounded by people who are really nice and care about me. Alhamdulillah! Thank you Ya Allah!

While we were preparing our mind for Hajj (which in the end was not our time yet according to Allah), a friend gave us some books regarding Hajj. One of it is a book by Ismail Davids, "Getting the Best out of Hajj". And I must say, how absolutely insightful, informative and is THE perfect book to get you ready for Hajj. Couple it with watching his video on Rituals of Hajj (here), and I assure you, your mindset will change.

Today, the very last flight will depart to Jeddah for the Hajj season. We are here at home, having come to terms that it is not our time yet since the last 2 days. And I received this from my sister's mother-in-law (via my sister)...they are residing in US,

 I immediately felt touched at her gesture. Perhaps because few days before the last 2 days, we had news that our chances in going to Hajj was 80%. We got everything ready. But nearing to the day, our chances seemed bleak. That was when I watched Ismail Davids' video and his words about Allah's will for our Hajj journey soothed me. Up til today, I feel calm. I'm looking at days ahead of me now and move on. We will have our chance to go, it is all up to Allah. We have done our best, but Allah knows best. Thank you Aunty for the kind words and reminder!

Looking back, even when we were uncertain whether we would go for Hajj or not, our friends keep encouraging us and giving positive words, mostly at the lines of, "You absolutely will go."
One of our friends (who has gone for Hajj last year), gave me tips and told me to keep calm and help me through my stress about Hajj (in the early preparation).

Ya Allah, I feel so blessed with the friends that I am surrounded with. Thank you for bringing them into my life. As much as they pray for me and wish me well, I wish the same for them too and pray that they are given the same blessings that You have given me. Amin.



Rezeki tu Allah yang tetapkan.

Apa yang kita ada di dunia ni semua adalah rezeki.

Perkara sekecil mata,
Mempunyai eyesight yang sempurna itu adalah satu rezeki dari Allah.
Orang lain mungkin tak ada penglihatan yang sempurna, terpaksa bergantung pada cermin mata.
Ada yang buta warna, bergantung kepada cermin mata yang spesifik pulak.
Ada yang tak nampak, dilahirkan buta atau dibutakan di pertengahan hidup.

Tetapi, walaupun seseorang tu ditetapkan buta oleh Allah, ada pula rezeki lain yang Allah beri, mungkin lebih dari orang lain.
Dia mungkin ada talent yang orang sempurna penglihatan tak ada.

Antara rezeki yang kita selalu overlook, ialah parents.
Kita ada both parents masih hidup itu satu rezeki daripada Allah.
Ada mak sahaja pun satu rezeki.

Yang dah tiada kedua orang tua, mungkin rezeki dia di tempat lain.
Rezeki dia mungkin pekerjaan dia yang mulia.
Pekerjaan yang menjanjikan dia pahala lebih byk daripada orang lain.

Segala apa, sekecil apa yang kita ada ni ialah rezeki.
Tapi, tentunya kita manusia. Kadang2 kita ingat, kadang2 kita lupa.
Cuma, harapnya kita selalu la ingat daripada lupa.

Bila kita sedar & appreciate dengan rezeki Allah bagi,
sentiasa ingat & bersyukur,
masa tu kita akan rasa aman & bahagia dengan hidup kita.

Moga kita semua sentiasa tenteram, aman dan bahagia dalam hidup ini.


Understanding rituals of Hajj


I have been reading the book "Getting the best out of Hajj" by Ismail Davids and thought that it is a very very informative book on Hajj.
It's 6 Sept today, 4 Zulhijjah. It is getting closer to Hajj yet there is no news of whether we will be going or not.
I have accepted that it may not be our calling yet, Allah is indeed the best planners. I believe He knows when I should go.

Anyway, I just watched this video about understanding the rituals of Hajj by Ismail Davids and what a great talk this is! Everyone who wants to go to Hajj should watch this. Do the basic readings of Hajj and then watch this. I'm sure this will change you a little bit.

May we be able to perform Hajj & get the best out of it even after making the Hajj and coming back home. Ameen.


A Different Gift

Listening to:

Thank you Mufti for the uplifting words.


To Allah

God, please let me go to Hajj now...
I want to be closer to You...
I want You to guide me...
I want You to guide my husband...
I want You to show us the true meaning of our lives in this world
And to guide us to succeed in the Akhirah...



It's mid August. We are waiting for our Hajj call..not quite sure whether we are able to join the Hajj this year..but somehow I have a feeling we might. Insyallah. If God wills it.
Thing is, I've been doing readings on Hajj etc..and I still think that my knowledge of Islam is so below par compared to say, FF.
He seems to be relaxed...not that much preparation..I guess due to the fact that one of his friends have gone for Hajj and he himself have gone for Umrah like..8 times?
Meanwhile..I have only gone for Umrah once. And I feel that I'm lacking A LOT in myself, in my knowledge.
I now might be a little depressed. My morale is down. I think so little of myself. I have been feeling that I am not a good mother..I can't teach them properly..I see the kids playing but when it comes to studying, when I try to teach them..I know nothing.
Thank God that I've not felt like wanting to hurt myself like I used to...
I'm tensed up. Right now I feel like going somewhere and just be by myself alone. I used to do this..go to the park behind my house and just sit on the grass alone. Calm my thoughts...just be with the nature. I remember it soothes me.
Lately, so many things on my mind. Clouding. FF doesn't understand..he's too busy. Besides, he thinks I'm just lazying around all day.
Am I?

I don't know. Things like this makes me feel like I'm stupid.
I'm writing nonsense.


Not Worthy of Anything At All


Have you ever feel so down that all you think about is wanting to die?
Truth is, I have an unsettling feeling inside my heart since a long long time now and it does not ever want to go away.
I'm looking at everybody negatively and I feel the negativity tugging inside my heart most of the time.
I hate it. I hate this feeling.

For the longest time, I have asked Allah to help me & guide me. To get rid of this feeling. This negativeness. Sometimes, it subsides. But it never goes away. I want to tell FF everything, but I know that I won't stop crying if I start. And it is hard to put how I feel into words.

Today, I feel like I don't deserve to be here, I don't deserve to live. I masked my filthy self with smiles, with things that fool people into thinking that I'm happy. I mean, I am happy with my life mostly, but it's myself that I'm not happy with. I don't understand why I am here, with this 'thing' inside me. Is it eating my soul? I don't know...maybe. I do know that I despise it so much but I just can't get away. I hate & am ashamed with the sifat2 mazmumah in myself. I ask Allah to help me get rid of them, yet to no avail. Why Allah has not given me the answers, guiding me to be good? Maybe I don't deserve to be good?

Yes, today I feel like wanting to die. Because I feel I have nothing to offer Allah.
It's like every thing I do, is never enough to grant me Paradise or even a piece of His blessings.


Ramadhan Kareem


Ramadhan is here again! Yay!
At the moment, I'm super busy with lots of stuff. Market is not so great so far but there is a glimmer of hope recently. Hoping for the 2nd half to bulk up. I'm being a PA to FF now so I do a lot of his work stuff, mostly related to papers. Yesterday whilst reading the Quran, I was overcomed by how much Allah has given us. I thanked Him and I also thought about how we are often less grateful of what we have.

Anyway, FF now is outstation, in a land away from Peninsular. He just WA-ed me asking if I want lobster. I'm thinking how should I cook it?

Today is only the 2nd day of Ramadhan. Yesterday was the first and for me, I started it with being so unproductive. The night before I slept late about 1++ AM and woke up at 4am to send FF to the airport. We had our Sahur/Suhoor in the car. I reached home, did my Subuh prayer, and then slept. Oh, before that during Sahur I had to take a cough+flu medicine. I seemed to have contracted the virus from FF. And it made me drowsy the whole day! My body felt tired even though I tried to fight it. I slept quite some hours in the day too. Good thing my body "woke up" after Asar.

So yesterday night I slept earlier and woke up at 5AM. I feel quite energized right now even though I just did an exercise routine that was quite hard. Oh, an update, I'm now joining Yoga. Hehe. I have always wanted to Yoga but always malas to do it. Then, I started joining a friend's class and it was so liberating. It was peaceful and calm and motivating too.

It's 740AM. I think I better start doing some real work.
Til next post.
Ramadhan Kareem people!

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