I'm not good


No one knows the struggle that I face with my demons inside. I constantly battle with myself, because I am seriously having trouble with my heart. I feel that my heart is not pure, ridiculed with bad feelings. When these feelings come, I know..I feel it. And as much as I try to push it away, somehow it always comes back.

I thought to myself, was I like this all my life? Or did something happen that made me like this?
When I'm bothered by these bad feelings, I pray and cry to Allah. I ask him to cleanse me. Cleanse me. Honestly, I'm still lost. I don't know how to.

Today, FF said something to me that tugs my heart deeply. I immediately shrinks into myself, went away and just cry alone. He is right. Most of it anyway. Or maybe all of it? Maybe I just don't want to admit that I'm just that ugly inside? After a while I realized that just before, I prayed and ask God for guidance to purify my heart...maybe that's why FF said those things? Because Allah ask him to?

I'm not a good person, I just want to try and be better. Ya Allah, help me and guide me please...