Assalamualaikum,

No one knows the struggle that I face with my demons inside. I constantly battle with myself, because I am seriously having trouble with my heart. I feel that my heart is not pure, ridiculed with bad feelings. When these feelings come, I know..I feel it. And as much as I try to push it away, somehow it always comes back.

I thought to myself, was I like this all my life? Or did something happen that made me like this?
When I'm bothered by these bad feelings, I pray and cry to Allah. I ask him to cleanse me. Cleanse me. Honestly, I'm still lost. I don't know how to.

Today, FF said something to me that tugs my heart deeply. I immediately shrinks into myself, went away and just cry alone. He is right. Most of it anyway. Or maybe all of it? Maybe I just don't want to admit that I'm just that ugly inside? After a while I realized that just before, I prayed and ask God for guidance to purify my heart...maybe that's why FF said those things? Because Allah ask him to?

I'm not a good person, I just want to try and be better. Ya Allah, help me and guide me please...

Assalamualaikum,

Last Saturday I went to my first Hajj Course by Tabung Haji. Me & FF has been planning to perform our hajj since last year. But I admit, that we have not been fully committed to it last year and so, we were kind of given an opportunity to do it this year. Insyallah, God willing, we will be able to go for Hajj this year.

"The Hajj (/hædʒ/;^[1] Arabic: حج‎ Ḥaǧǧ "pilgrimage") is an annual Islamic pilgrimage to Mecca, and a mandatory religious duty for Muslims that must be carried out at least once in their lifetime by all adult Muslims who are physically and financially capable of undertaking the journey, and can support their family during their absence."   source from Wikipedia

When we arrived at the mosque, we got to know that there will be a Solat Jenazah before they start with the course. As I entered inside the mosque, I saw some people gathering looking into a room. I think that was where the enshrouding (kafan) of the body is. So anyway, the course started after the solat finished and the jenazah being taken away to be buried. Innalillah.

I feel real small inside the mosque with the so many people listening to the Hajj course. I feel like my knowledge of Islam is far less than these people here perhaps. I started looking at my feet, and realized that I was not wearing socks while majority of the women's feet are covered. Suddenly I started feeling insecure.

As the talk continued on, I realized that Hajj is the ultimate test. God will test you a lot especially in Arafah & Mina. The Ustaz said, the most important thing, among others, is Calmness. He said if you are calm, insyallah everything will be easy. In life, the most important is to be calm. I definitely agree. When you are calm, you become happy, you are content. I mostly feel that way now. I mean, life is life. You have things that bother you and all...with kids, sometimes they test your patience. But ultimately, what do you feel inside? How does your life feel right now?

Amidst the waves of life, feel the Calmness.

Assalamualaikum,

As usual, Malaysians (Malays mostly) tend to make little things turn to be big issues. For today, it is about breastfeeding in public and taking selfies of it.

I thought it was merely about NIP (Nursing in Public) at first, but it turns out that it has something to do with taking pictures of yourself BF-ing and posting it in social media.

I wrote on my FB:
I was a curator for twtmsia quite some time ago, and I have brought up issues about Nursing in Public. I believe in getting two sides of the story. I have been on both sides. I have seen LOADS of women breastfeeding their children, having real issues in bf-ing their babies, have experience the difficulty in bf-ing, experience the shameful feeling when bf-ing in public, etc. 
Mungkin you guys feel that people who nurse their babies in public are shameless people...but sorry to say you might be wrong. Sebab tu la wujudnya nursing cover...sbb mereka ni malu. Secara logiknya, hampir semua women are ashamed of showing their tits to people. Lebih2 lagi women in Malaysia. Our culture sendiri ajar kita utk berasa malu.
Another thing is the issue of seeing other women NIP. I myself, when I see any bf-ing mommies tgh bf be it in public or even in their own hospital room, I will lower my gaze. I will not stare at her breastfeeding babies. Because, I know how the mothers feel, insecure on the inside when other people (strangers esp) see them breastfeeding.
One needs to understand on breastfeeding babies thoroughly to have a real grasp on this small matter that we have here. It is nothing so big to make an issue of.
So stop punishing and pointing fingers.
Selagi kita berada on only one side of the fence, selagi tu kita jgn menghukum.

Truth is, I myself have posted a couple of pictures of me breastfeeding. One, the day I gave birth of Mimi (in hospital) and another in Gold Coast when I was BF-ing Lulu in Hard Rock Cafe.
Why did I post these pictures?
The one with Lulu is to educate people that it is possible to BF your baby in public without exposing your skin.
The other was just because of Lulu in the picture, nothing to do with me bf-ing Mimi. It was just a coincidence that I was BF-ing.

Anyway, people in social media keep saying that women who NIP are shameless, that they purposely want to NIP because of their pride in BF-ing. People who say these things, I would say they don't know at all about breastfeeding. I'd like to put them in a place where there is no easy access to a baby room, and with a crying baby who wants milk ASAP and refused to be console unless he/she gets milk. A mother's instinct would be to give the baby's milk right there and then. I am very sure that in Malaysia, most mothers would feel insecure to start feeding their baby in public. I did.

And to answer about Dynas' NIP flash mob, I feel that with that flash mob, she and the group actually made a difference here in Malaysia. Malls in Malaysia once upon a time ago, was not known for being nursing-friendly. There were no specific place to breastfeed, very little baby rooms. Mothers tend to bf in toilets, fitting rooms...so it's no wonder why most modern moms eventually choose bottle over breasts. So, after Dynas' NIP mob, a lot has changed. Baby rooms in malls became nursing-friendly. Some malls go to an extend of making a very very comfortable baby room for mothers and babies. Nowadays, we see some restaurants with kids area and provide nursing-friendly environment.

About people who stare at women who BF...maybe you are not used to it, I understand. So stop staring. It's not wrong for a woman to feed her child, it is wrong for you, a stranger, to judge her. Any mother with a hungry baby has no intention of showing her tits for other people to see. They are only thinking of their children. If you feel uncomfortable, lower your gaze. Easy.

Echoing my fb status, if you are only on one side of the fence, you have no right to judge.

Assalamualaikum.

Listening to Mufti Menk's lecture again. As always, he never cease to give me great learnings. I hope Mufti Menk will be granted good health by Allah SWT so that he could pass on his knowledge and guide us to be better and closer to Allah SWT.

From the lecture, Solutions to Our State of Weakness.

A man came to prophet Muhammad SAW and said, "O Messenger, give me a good advice.
Rasulullah SAW said, "Don't get angry."
"Give me more advice," said the man again.
And once more, Rasullulah SAW said, "Don't get angry."

Lesson learnt:
Anger is a dangerous weapon...always against ourselves. Always be patient, Sabar. When we get angry, we always do things we will eventually regret. Do not vent your anger for someone else to another person(s), particularly to your parents or husband/wife and children.
If you get angry, especially if your anger is eating you inside, take wudhu' and PRAY. Vent your feelings out to Allah, talk to Him, ask Him for calmness, ask Him for forgiveness, cry to Him. Allah is the ultimate BFF. He will always be there with you, ALL THE TIME. Make Him your BFF.


Ya Allah, make me a better person each and every day while I'm still alive. Guide me to Your path and never let me astray. I am not always a good person, but I assure You that I will continue to strive to be better. Amin.