Not Worthy of Anything At All

Assalamualaikum.


Have you ever feel so down that all you think about is wanting to die?
Truth is, I have an unsettling feeling inside my heart since a long long time now and it does not ever want to go away.
I'm looking at everybody negatively and I feel the negativity tugging inside my heart most of the time.
I hate it. I hate this feeling.

For the longest time, I have asked Allah to help me & guide me. To get rid of this feeling. This negativeness. Sometimes, it subsides. But it never goes away. I want to tell FF everything, but I know that I won't stop crying if I start. And it is hard to put how I feel into words.

Today, I feel like I don't deserve to be here, I don't deserve to live. I masked my filthy self with smiles, with things that fool people into thinking that I'm happy. I mean, I am happy with my life mostly, but it's myself that I'm not happy with. I don't understand why I am here, with this 'thing' inside me. Is it eating my soul? I don't know...maybe. I do know that I despise it so much but I just can't get away. I hate & am ashamed with the sifat2 mazmumah in myself. I ask Allah to help me get rid of them, yet to no avail. Why Allah has not given me the answers, guiding me to be good? Maybe I don't deserve to be good?

Yes, today I feel like wanting to die. Because I feel I have nothing to offer Allah.
It's like every thing I do, is never enough to grant me Paradise or even a piece of His blessings.