Depressed.

Assalamualaikum...
It's mid August. We are waiting for our Hajj call..not quite sure whether we are able to join the Hajj this year..but somehow I have a feeling we might. Insyallah. If God wills it.
Thing is, I've been doing readings on Hajj etc..and I still think that my knowledge of Islam is so below par compared to say, FF.
He seems to be relaxed...not that much preparation..I guess due to the fact that one of his friends have gone for Hajj and he himself have gone for Umrah like..8 times?
Meanwhile..I have only gone for Umrah once. And I feel that I'm lacking A LOT in myself, in my knowledge.
I now might be a little depressed. My morale is down. I think so little of myself. I have been feeling that I am not a good mother..I can't teach them properly..I see the kids playing but when it comes to studying, when I try to teach them..I know nothing.
Thank God that I've not felt like wanting to hurt myself like I used to...
I'm tensed up. Right now I feel like going somewhere and just be by myself alone. I used to do this..go to the park behind my house and just sit on the grass alone. Calm my thoughts...just be with the nature. I remember it soothes me.
Lately, so many things on my mind. Clouding. FF doesn't understand..he's too busy. Besides, he thinks I'm just lazying around all day.
Am I?

I don't know. Things like this makes me feel like I'm stupid.
I'm writing nonsense.